Spanking

My children weren’t spanked.  That’s not to say I was never tempted.  I was.  But I remained consistent with my belief that children can and should be raised without corporal punishment.

That I was tempted underscores one of the problems.  Spankings happen when parents are exasperated and at a loss for options.  If I had allowed myself to spank it would not have been for my child’s good.  It would have been the expression of frustration and my inability to formulate an alternative solution.

At bottom line (so to speak), I am a pragmatist.  Do what works.  Pragmatically speaking, spanking doesn’t work.  Spanking doesn’t foster, and may even hinder, the development of conscience and guilt.  When a spanking is over the price has been paid, Often, when the punishment ceases so is the need for remorse.  Many children prefer the sting of a spanking to other disciplines.  Many would rather not have to think about their actions nor take responsibility for the consequences.

Children do not learn choice from spanking.  They learn to not to get caught.  Occasionally, they learn obedience.  Just as often, children learn there is an opposite to obedience; disobedience.  The adage “spare the rod and spoil the child” just isn’t so.  The rod, in excess, often pushes children in the direction of rebellious and antisocial behaviors.

It is true that a spanking gets immediate attention, and it can put an immediate end to an undesired behavior.  It may even keep future behavior in check out of fear of punishment.  But I don’t encourage fear-based parenting.

Spanking, even when effective at first, ceases to work.  Kids get used to it.  Frustrated parents respond by spanking with greater intensity, greater frequency and lesser results.  There comes a time when children will laugh derisively in the face of the spanker or turn and hit back.  Parents must then choose to either stop spanking or to escalate further.  Families find themselves up the creek without a paddle (so to speak).

Spanking models an inconsistent message. Hitting is condoned, so long as you’re bigger and self-righteous. It models for children that hitting is an acceptable means of solving problems, particularly at times of anger and frustration.  Children struck by those bigger and stronger will often do in kind to those weaker than them.

When I have spoken to parents, few subjects have stirred up so much emotion as ‘spanking’.  Parents argued with me.  “I was spanked and I turned out just fine.”  I argued back.  “I wasn’t spanked, and I turned out just fine (and, by the way, so have my children.)”

Actually, I was spanked once and remember it vividly.  I was 4 or 5, playing in front of my house.  I ran into the street.  Moments later I was suspended on one of my father’s arms, while his free hand delivered the blows.  I never ran out into the street again.

I’ve struggled with this incident.  Are there exceptions that justify spanking?  My father acted out of fear for my safety.  He never doubted what he did was right and necessary.  I certainly don’t believe I was abused or mistreated.  Perhaps the point is this was an exception, not the rule.

Many cling to the acceptability of spanking because it is how they were raised.  To give up spanking, for some, feels as if they are being asked to condemn their parents.  They are not.  Most parents did the very best for their children that they were able to do given the time, the place, and the prevailing attitudes.

But today’s parents need to let go of the past for the sake of the present.  There is a high price paid when spanking is accepted as the norm in child rearing.  This is becoming an increasingly violent society.  We must re-evaluate, pragmatically, how to curb this trend.  We must learn to raise moral, responsible and kind children.

There is too much rear in child rearing.  I believe in a philosophy of hands off.  The end.