Basic Trust

“Ultimately, there can be no complete healing until we have restored our primal trust in life.” (Georg Feuerstein, 1947—2012)

“Love cannot live where there is no trust.”  (Edith Hamilton, 1867—1963)

I look at my new grandson, sleeping, eating, eliminating, crying, opening his eyes while slowly processing the sights, sounds, smells, and textures of a new and unfamiliar world, helpless now, helpless for many weeks and months to come.

Helplessness is the primal life experience.  The infant, who can only protest and wait, must rely upon the benevolence and attentiveness of the surrounding caretakers.  For an infant, being wet, dirty, hungry, thirsty is beyond personal remedy.  And it is from the earliest life experiences, when those needs are met, that a child begins to develop trust in their world.

Psychologist Erik Erikson, known for describing 8 stages of development covering the lifespan, called infancy the stage of Basic Trust vs. Mistrust. An infant learns trust when breasts and bottles appear on time, when diapers are changed as needed, and solace is offered in times of distress. If an infant’s needs are met; if when hungry . . . fed, if when dirty . . . cleaned and changed, if when crying . . . comforted, and if when tired . . . helped to sleep, that child will develop a basic trust in the benevolence of their world.

Unfortunately, for some, life begins very differently. Too often, in my practice, I saw children who as infants were neglected or abused.  Rather than beginning life surrounded by caring and trustworthy others, basic needs often went unattended. The world, as they first experienced it, was a hurtful and unreliable place to be. Understandably, from early life experiences, they learned to see ‘caretaker’ others through lenses of doubt and suspicion.

Mistrust persists.  For the child who began life mistreated and mistrusting, years later, even caring adults are perceived as anything but caring. A child who mistrusts is a child who is alone and frightened. A child who mistrusts feels that they must fend for themselves. Do something, do anything, rather than feel helpless.

These children will adopt a variety of strategies to feel in control. Some learn to provoke, for it is better to be in control of the time and place of mistreatment, rather than have no control or warning.  Some children will invent an explanation for their mistreatment, usually self-blame.  “I was mistreated because I deserved it.”  It is better to have a reason, any reason, rather than none at all.

Some of these children learn to mask their feelings, concealing from others the turmoil within, for others cannot be trusted to understand the internal chaos and darkness.  As they grow, some will continue to mask feelings by numbing with drugs and alcohol.  Some will ward off feelings of loneliness and helplessness by finding safety in numbers, often affiliating with gangs or cults. Some become like the bullying adults, controlling their inner turmoil by controlling weaker others.

To trust or not to trust, for the infant, that is the question. The question is answered during the youngest years of life.  That answer can last for a lifetime.

I look at my new grandson, helpless, trusting.

Parenting the Intellectually Disabled Child

When a child is intellectually disabled, the demands can become exhausting. Marriages become stressed. There is significant impact upon siblings, as parent time is often consumed by the excessive needs of their disabled child.  The challenges are chronic, the demands are life-long.

A child with intellectual disabilities needs devoted parenting and a team of helping, supporting adults including educational specialists, behavioral specialists, and medical specialists skilled in working with this population.

In my practice, I saw many children with intellectual disabilities.  They came to see me for a variety of reasons; disruptive behaviors, impulsive behaviors, and occasionally destructive, aggressive, or self-injurious behaviors.  These children were vulnerable to depression and anxiety.  Sometimes, because of their diminished cognitive capacity, these children came to me overwhelmed, in a state of panic, some even hallucinating.

Early in my career, I’d had very little training working with these kids. What I learned, I often learned on the fly.  However, over the years, through the many conversations I had with these parents, I compiled a set of parenting tips:

·       There is a fine line, balancing hope and reality.  It is important to determine what is and what is not within your child’s capacity.  It is okay to expect a lot, just not the impossible.

·       Don’t cripple your child with pity, pity for them or self-pity.  Set goals. Have rules and expectations.

·       Siblings may feel over-burdened with responsibility caring for a disabled sibling.  They may feel deprived of parent time and attention.  However, they may also develop a deep sense of compassion and caring for others.  Be sensitive to their feelings and demands.

·       Live your life as fully as possible, attending not only to the demands of your special-needs child, but also attending to your other children, your partner, your spirituality, your friendships, your interests, and your health.

·       Don’t isolate yourself or your child due to shame or embarrassment.  Ignore the looks of others.

·       Network with other families and support groups.

·       Implement a well-conceived behavior modification plan.  Seek professional assistance if-needed. 

·       Encourage acquisition of good communication, to the maximum of your child’s capability.  Seek professional assistance if-needed.

·       Encourage social participation—in special camps, in Special Olympics, etc.

·       Teach your child traits of good character—kindness, honesty, perseverance, courage.

·       Encourage the acquisition of independent living skills to the maximum of your child’s capability.

·       Teach and expect chores and jobs around the house.

·       Encourage and support the development of employable skills.

·       Plan ahead for your child’s emerging sexuality.  Have clear and concise rules about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.  Supervise the environment, allowing your child access to media compatible with intellectual and emotional maturity, not physical maturity.  Define and enforce rules of modesty and privacy in the household.

·       Monitor phones and computers. Protect your child from potential predators.

·       Plan ahead for your child’s adult care, legal protections, and financial needs. Begin this process many years in advance.  Seek out organizations and support networks that can assist you through this daunting task.

I often witnessed in these parents a great deal of courage, dedication, and love for their children. I hope that, over the years, my tips helped some of these parents to navigate their challenges with a bit more direction and confidence.  Whatever I was able to teach, I know that I was taught as much or more in return.