Parenting

“For to miss the joy is to miss all.”  (R.L. Stevenson)

There are hundreds of books offering advice to parents.  The books range from the very straight-forward to the very philosophic.  Some are written about specific challenges.  Others provide a general overview of parenting. Some are practical how-to books.  Others tend to focus on the parent-child relationship.  There are so many books because there are so many parents asking questions and there is no one right answer.  When it comes to raising children, there is little scientific consensus.  There is mostly opinion.

I taught a course on parent guidance to young doctors.  In this course we reviewed many parenting books, good and bad.  Though each author had a unique perspective and opinion to offer, there were themes, ideas about ‘good parenting’, that seemed to reoccur through many of the books.  From this, my class distilled forty principles of good parenting.  Here are eleven of them.

1.    Principle I:  Parents must provide children with the basics; food shelter, medical care, and a safe protected environment.  All other principles are secondary and contingent upon this first.

2.    Principle II:  Parents must provide leadership.  Good leadership is calm and confident.  Leadership remains so even in the face of challenge and crisis.  When parents scream, threaten, nag or hit then credible leadership has been lost.

3.    Principle III:  Parents must model what they teach.  Model character.  Model willingness to change.  It is said, “if you don’t model what you teach, you’re teaching something else.” 

4.    Principle IV:  Parents must raise adults.  It is the task of parenting to prepare children to become independent.  Give your children the opportunity to develop skills that will lead to competence and autonomy.

5.    Principle VIII:  Parents must be consistent.  Parents are human.  There will always be good days and bad.  There will always be situations well or poorly handled.  Consistency means that despite the everyday ups and downs, there remains a consistent set of beliefs and guiding principles.

6.    Principle XVIII:  Parents must utilize time-outs for both children and themselves.  This is time to cool off, to think and to reflect.  Rather than lash out in anger, say to a child, “I need time to get my thoughts together," “I’m too angry to speak right now,” or “I don’t want to say something now I’ll regret later.”  Cool off, then deal with it.

7.    Principle XIX:  Parents must turn their children’s mistakes and misdeeds into learning opportunities.  It is far more important to learn from mistakes than to be punished for mistakes.  To discipline is different than to punish. To discipline means to teach.

8.    Principle XX:  Parents must not only point out problems to their children, they must encourage their children to be problem solvers.  Teach children to be part of the solution.

9.    Principle XXIII:  Parents must acknowledge with empathy their children’s challenges. However, parents must consistently remind their children that challenges are different than excuses.  Challenges can be faced and overcome with courage and tenacity.

10. Principle XXX:  Parents must avoid unnecessary win/lose battles with their children. Children who win these battles become insufferable.  Children who lose these battles become sullen and resentful.  Parenting is not a contest of wills. It is a journey of parent and child together.

And, as for the eleventh bit of advice, Principle XL:  Find the joy in parenting.  It’s hard work.  It’s a 24/7 job.  But children are a great blessing and to miss the joy is to miss all.