Interdependence Day (or Parenting the Strong-Willed Child)

A strong-willed child can be oppositional, challenging, and at times exasperating.  Here's my advice to parents of a strong-willed child:

Avoid win/lose battles.  When possible, avoid the attitude of, “I’m going to make you”, which is inevitably followed by your child’s, “Oh no, you’re not.”  Instead, there is a concept I suggest you and your child discuss, the concept of interdependence.  Families are interdependent, “We depend on each other.” 

An engine has many interconnected parts, big and small, but if even a small part is not working properly then the whole engine does not run right. In every family there is work to be done.  Some jobs are bigger, and some are smaller, but everyone has a job and everyone's cooperation is needed.  If one person refuses to do their job, everyone pays a price.  The work is not always fun.  If it was, it wouldn’t be called chores. But the burden is shared. Grown-ups will do their grown-up chores.  Children will do theirs according to age and ability.  The expectation is to help one another.  That’s fair. That’s what families are supposed to do. That’s interdependence.

When your strong-willed child misbehaves, and they will, you may find yourself reflexively pondering the next punishment.  Frankly, I’ve never been particularly impressed with the benefits of spanking, grounding, or other creative punishments.  I’ve never yet seen the child who, as a result of their punishment, had a sudden epiphany, saw the light, and changed their ways.

An overly punished child is a discouraged child. Whereas the child who misbehaves needs to be encouraged to do better. The over-arching goal is that your child learns from mistakes. Misbehavior is an opportunity for you to teach. Children must learn both to apologize and to repair.   What your child has damaged must be repaired and restored.  What your child has broken must be paid for and replaced. 

Consequences are different than punishments. All behavior has consequences. Add to the discussion of interdependence an example of consequences, the rule of reciprocity.  “If you don’t do your job and make things hard for me and others, then don’t come to me asking for favors.” Conversely, “When you do your part and help out others, I will happily go out of my way to help you.”

Strong-willed children want autonomy.  They resist being told what to do.  They react to your requests as-if each request was a test of wills.  You all must begin to think of your day-to-day interactions not as a tug-of-war, but as a journey together, working hand-in-hand. Remember, that, while your child may disagree with your means you share a common goal, your child’s future success in life.

Make sure you always keep a perspective. Know what matters . . . your child’s character. Know what doesn’t matter . . . the small stuff.  Keep a sense of humor and enjoy your child’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.  Build good memories. Have some fun together.  Be sure to model for your child what you expect from them in return: flexibility, caring, compromise and cooperation.

"We need each other."  "We help each other out." That's what families are supposed to do. That's interdependence.

Redemption

As I understand a Jewish perspective, there is the belief in a messianic age when peace will prevail throughout the land.  This world can be made holy.  Despite all its cruelty and craziness, the world can be redeemed through Tikkun Olam, repairing this broken world.  Furthermore, though everyone is born with both an inclination for good and an inclination for evil, no one is beyond redemption.  Teshuva, re-turning towards good, is always possible. 

The seminal event in the origin of Judaism was the exodus from Egypt, from slavery into freedom, from homelessness into a promised land. Despite all the subsequent history and evidence to the contrary, Judaism has remained essentially optimistic.  There is still hope for this world.

As a Jew I will try to articulate a Christian perspective, as I understand it.  The world is filled with corruption.  Everyone comes into this world in a fallen state of sin.  This world is beyond redemption.  Only through faith in Christ and the grace of God will a select few find salvation in a better world to come.

The seminal event in the origin of Christianity was the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ.  Christianity emerged in a historic time of great cruelty and suffering, symbolized by the cross.  Christianity, to me, appears essentially pessimistic and justifiably so.  The world’s a mess. From a Christian perspective, this corrupt world is just a brief stop before life eternal where many will be damned, and a few will be saved.

I know too little to reflect intelligently on the Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist perspectives.  But what about the scientific perspective?

As I understand the scientific perspective, words like redemption, salvation, corruption, and sin would not factor into any conversation.  From a religious perspective, these words mean a great deal.  From the scientific perspective these concepts can not be objectively observed and measured, therefore any discussion focusing on these words is not considered meaningful.

From a scientific perspective, there is a belief that science and technology are the pathway to a better world, though it is unclear what that ‘better world’ might look like.  Less suffering, longer life, and survival of our species are some of the goals of science, though it remains unclear whether science and technology will ultimately save us or destroy us. From the scientific perspective, the world will continue on for a few billion years, more or less, with or without us.  We can hope for longer and more comfortable lives, but ultimately our existence or nonexistence is of no matter in an otherwise indifferent universe.

I am trained in science, but I try to resist the spiritual nihilism of the scientific perspective.  In my times of pessimism, I can’t help but think that the Christian perspective may be correct, this world appears to be hopelessly corrupt.  I remain a Jew, but a troubled one. I look around and believe that we have been largely unsuccessful in the task of Tikkun Olam. The world remains broken. Why are we failing?  What must we do better?

Oppositionality

Forget the diagnosis ‘Oppositional Defiant Disorder’, commonly abbreviated to O.D.D.  Dare I say, I find this diagnosis to be 'odd'.  Something’s not quite right, taking childhood rebellious and defiant behavior and turning it into a mental disorder. My office was once filled with very oppositional children . . .  oppositional but otherwise healthy children.

Not all oppositionality is the same. Some oppositionality is found in children who have difficult and irritable temperaments.  About 10% of all children are born with such a difficult temperament.  This is not considered to be abnormal or pathologic, just difficult.  These kids are often edgy, rigid, and inflexible. They adapt poorly to change and inconsistency.

When children have difficult temperaments, parents and teachers should provide a calm, reassuring, and consistent environment.  Occasionally interjecting some fun and humor goes a long way helping these children to interact more positively with the grown-ups.

Some oppositionality occurs in children who are asked to do what they cannot.  Sometimes teachers and parents have expectations that exceed the child’s physical or mental capacity. In response to the miserable, poorly tolerated, and passive state of “I can’t”, these children change their interactions to the in-control and active state of, “I won’t.”

It is unfair, even cruel, to expect children to do what they cannot.  Sometimes expectations have to be revised.  These children should be evaluated and provided supportive services when needed. Parents and teachers need to identify these children’s strengths and assets. Give them opportunities for success, not for additional frustration.

A great deal of oppositionality arises when children interact with authoritarian, obedience-obsessed adults, grown-ups whose over-arching expectation is, “Do as I say.” When obedience is demanded, a child has only two choices, to obey or to disobey. Many choose the latter.

When obedience is demanded, it can lead to a test of wills. “Do as I say.” “You can’t make me.”  “Oh yes I can.”  Oh no you can’t.”  This is a win/lose battle.  The problem is, in the long run, the child will always lose.  If the child wins the battle, then defiance is rewarded, and the behavior escalates.  If the child loses the battle, they do so with accumulating resentment. No one likes to lose and, in the future, they will learn to fight the battles longer and harder.

It’s not always easy, but authoritarian adults need to learn alternatives to win/lose interactions.  The absolutes should be few in number:  no hitting, no stealing, no running into the street, etc.  But battles need not be fought over the small things.  If a child wants to wear plaid and stripes together, so what? Let ‘em.

Some degree of oppositionality is developmentally normal.  Children challenge rules and boundaries, especially with their parents.  A child who is oppositional around the house but goes out into the world and interacts appropriately with teachers and other adults, is of far less concern than a child who acts defiantly outside of the home.

Some degree of oppositionality is even normal in adults.  Matter of fact, I’ve been called oppositional, but I’m not.