There are hundreds of books offering advice to parents. The books range from the very straight-forward to the very philosophic. Some provide a general overview of parenting. Others are written about children with specific challenges. Some are practical how-to books. Others tend to focus on the parent-child relationship. There are so many books because there are so many parents asking questions and there is no one right answer. When it comes to raising children, there is little scientific consensus. There is mostly opinion.
I taught a course on parent guidance to young doctors. In this course we reviewed many parenting books, good and bad. Though each author had a unique perspective and opinion to offer, there were themes, ideas about ‘good parenting’, that seemed to reoccur through many of the books. From this, my class distilled 40 principles of good parenting.
This is
likely the longest blog I’ll ever write, but it’s far shorter than the book I had
intended to write. I once thought I
would write a book based on these 40 principles. Well, here are those principles, given to you
in their bare form, without the commentary or illustrative examples that I
would have included in my book. Yet, for those of you who are parents, I hope
you find this list helpful. Feel free to
delete from the list any principles with which you disagree. Please add to the list any additional principles
you’ve discovered and embraced in your parenting journey:
Principle
I: Parents must provide children with
the basics; food, shelter, medical care, and a safe/protected environment. All other principles are secondary and
contingent upon this first.
Principle
II: Parents should provide
leadership. Good leadership is calm and
confident. Leadership remains so even in
the face of challenge and crisis. When
parents scream, threaten, nag, or hit, credible leadership has been lost.
Principle
III: Parents should model what they
teach. Model character. Model willingness to change. I have heard it said, “If you don’t model
what you teach, you’re teaching something else.” Parents model for their children ‘how to be’,
how life is meant to be lived.
Principle
IV: Parents should raise adults. It is the task of parenting to prepare
children to become independent. Give
your children the opportunity to develop skills that will lead to competence.
Principle
V: Parents should avoid, when possible, win/lose
battles with their children. Children
who win these battles become insufferable.
Children who lose these battles become sullen and resentful. Parenting is not a contest of wills. It is a journey of parent and child together.
Principle
VI: Parents should remember to use the
wise words, “go play” with their children. In other words: turn off the screens
go outside, go exercise, go use your imagination. Go find the resources within yourself to be
entertained, to wonder, and to explore.
Principle
VII: Parents should raise children with
encouragement. Parents must convey a
belief in their children’s capacity to learn, to grow, and to accomplish. Parents must discipline with a tone of
encouragement, "I know you can do better." Parents must find ample occasions in which to give praise.
Principle
VIII: Parents should strive for
consistency. Parents are human. There will always be good days and bad. There will always be situations better
handled or poorly handled. Consistency
means that despite the everyday ups and downs, there remains a consistent set
of beliefs and guiding principles.
Principle
IX: Parents should be flexible and
creative. Different situations,
different circumstances, different ages may require different responses. What works with one child may not work with
another. What works at one age may not
work at another. A common error is to keep trying to do what has already been
proven not to work.
Principle
X: Parents should talk to their children
about being part of a family. Families are interdependent systems. Parents lead the family, but like the engine of a car, there are big parts
and little parts. For the engine to run properly, each part must do its job. A family relies upon one
another, and every job is important to the function of the family.
Principle
XI: Parents should respect and value
their children. Children are not
property or baggage. Treat children not
as ‘its’ but as ‘Thou’s.’
Principle
XII: Parents should attend to their
children’s character. Make ‘being good’
more important than ‘being happy’.
Principle XIII: Parents should provide their children with a
moral compass; begin with the Golden Rule, “do unto others.” A religious parent can teach a child the
moral precepts of the faith. A secular
parent can teach a child the principles and morals that guide the family.
Principle
XIV: Parents should make rules and
expectations that are simple and clear.
Plan and discuss rules, expectations, and consequences in advance. Set age-appropriate limits. Encourage children to participate in the
planning.
Principle
XV: Parents should make consequences
proportionate to the misdeed. When
possible, allow natural consequences to follow.
When necessary, make consequences follow logically from the misdeed.
Principle
XVI: Parents should negotiate with their
children, increased privileges for increased responsibility.
Principle
XVII: Parents should avoid too much talk
and negotiation when implementing consequences.
Implement consequences calmly and firmly.
Principle
XVIII: Parents should utilize time-outs
for both children and themselves. This
is a time to cool off, to think and to reflect.
Rather than lash out, rather than let your amygdala do the talking, say
to a child, “I need time to get my thoughts together”, “I’m too angry to speak
right now”, “I don’t want to say something now I’ll regret later”. Don’t react. Don’t try to reason with a child who
is in an unreasonable frame of mind.
Talk will usually escalate the situation. Wait until everyone has cooled off.
Principle
XIX: Parents should turn mistakes and
misdeeds into learning opportunities. It
is far more important that children learn from mistakes rather than how
children are punished for mistakes.
Discipline, as in the word disciple, means to learn.
Principle
XX: Parents should make their children
not just the problem, but participants in the solution.
Principle
XXI: Parents should, when possible, give choices, not
ultimatums.
Principle
XXII: Parents should model good
communication with their children. They
must be fully present. Put down the
electronics. Make eye contact. Speak to children at their eye level.
Principle
XXIII: Parents should acknowledge with
empathy their children’s challenges but remind their children consistently
that challenges are different from excuses.
Principle
XXIV: Parents should encourage their
children to do even better, but not so much as to lead to excessive frustration
and failure. Teach children that challenges are not to be avoided. Challenges are there to accept and embrace.
Principle
XXV: Parents should avoid the overuse of
bribes. This includes star charts,
stickers, and other forms of ‘rewards for good behavior’. Avoid raising children who automatically ask,
“what’s in it for me?’
Principle
XXVI: Parents should discipline. Discipline is different than punishment. If a child sets out to learn to play a
musical instrument, discipline means practicing 15-minutes every day. It may be boring. The music may not sound good at first. Scales are no fun. But if you stick with it, the music begins to
sound better. Stick with it over time
and you may become a musician.
Punishment is “you’re grounded for not practicing.” How many times you’re grounded matters
little. Whether you had the discipline
to practice is what will count in the long term.
Principle
XXVII: Parents should be forgiving of
their children and of themselves. We are
all imperfect. We all struggle. Most times we and our children do the best we
can.
Principle XXVIII: Parents should be ready to ‘coach’. A coach teaches skills, and a coach is a
motivator. Coaches come up with game
plans, but it’s the players that must execute the plays. When you play games with your children, compete less, coach more.
Principle
XXIX: Parents should encourage their
children to set goals. Help children to
have a vision not only of what they want to be, but who they want to be.
Principle
XXX: Parents should not do for their
children what their children are able to do for themselves.
Principle
XXXI: Parents should teach children to observe and respect personal boundaries. Parents are entitled to their privacy. Model and teach age-appropriate modesty and privacy.
Principle
XXXII: Parents should value and support
education and learning. Encourage
curiosity. Encourage reading. Encourage exploring. Encourage outings to museums or the
library. Provide an environment
conducive to homework and study. School
is a child’s primary job.
Principle
XXXIII: Parents should respect the power
of words to hurt or to heal. Labels
matter. When possible, find the positive
label for children. To label children
‘determined’ or ‘strong-willed’ is preferable to ‘defiant’ or ‘oppositional’.
Principle
XXXIV: Parents should encourage the use
of words. Children who can talk out a
problem are less apt to act out. Read to
your children. Have conversations with
them. Teach them to express their
thoughts, their ideas, their feelings, and their beliefs.
Principle
XXXV: Parents should teach children
manners, how to say ‘please’. Teach
children gratitude, how to feel thankful.
Teach children to be givers rather than takers. Teach sharing, generosity, and social
responsibility.
Principle
XXXVI: Parents should guide children
towards role-models. Help children to
distinguish a role-model from a celebrity, a hero from an idol.
Principle
XXXVII: Parents should give their children
the gift of a family narrative: the history of the generations, the culture,
the religion, and the associated values.
Principle
XXXVIII: Parents should ‘remember
when’. You were once that age. Empathize with your child’s developmental
challenges.
Principle
XXXIX: Parents should remember to hug,
to kiss, and to say, “I love you.” These
are powerful antidotes to sadness, discouragement and anger.
Principle
XL: Find the joy in parenting. It is hard work. It is a 24/7 job. But children can be a great blessing. “For to miss the joy is to miss all.” (R.L. Stevenson)
*an abridged version can be found on the blog from Jan. 7, 2019
