Social Skills

For some children good social skills come naturally, but for many, not. What some children just seem to know, others must be taught.  Therapy, whether done individually or in groups, has its limits.  Some things are best learned when modelled and taught by parents.  Once upon a time, here’s what I told those parents:

·         Remember to teach your child the basics of self-care including appropriate dress, grooming, and personal hygiene.

·         Play games with your child, especially board games and card games.  Rehearse taking turns, being patient, being observant, following rules, being a gracious winner, and being a good loser.

·         Have lots of conversations. Have your child practice attentive listening and responding. Teach your child to ask socially appropriate questions.

·         Teach your child how to tell a joke.

·         Understand that while having a few good friends enhances the quality of life, popularity doesn’t predict outcome.  What matters is the ability to steer clear of the bad ones.  Children struggling to belong tend to gravitate to marginal peer groups that are willing to offer some measure of acceptance. Children rise or fall to the level of the peers that surround them. A true friend makes you better. Teach your child how to recognize a true friend.

·         Identify with your child a potential friend, and then set up a structured play date. Plan an activity.  Make it time limited.  End it on a positive note.

·         Encourage your child’s participation in adult-supervised structured peer activities, such as Scouts, 4-H, church youth groups and camps.

·         Choose sports according to your child’s ability to cooperate and participate.  Don’t put a child in a situation where they are likely to be ostracized.  If your child can’t throw and catch, don’t put them in baseball.  Consider signing your child up for martial arts, swimming, golf, or tennis where success can be self-paced.

·         Identify, encourage, and support your child’s talents, interests, and hobbies. These can become entrees for interaction with peers.  These can also, on occasion, become marketable skills.

·         Someday your child will need job skills—interviewing skills, customer skills, skills working with supervisors.  Start with the basics.  There is a right and a wrong way to shake a hand.

·         Encourage good work habits, including chores and schoolwork.

·         Set appropriate expectations and boundaries regarding the use of electronic social media.  Remember, for a child lacking in social common sense, there are people out there who prey upon the naïve.  Social media, used judiciously, can break down some of the barriers of isolation, but beware the hazards.

·         Discourage excessive use of electronics.  Recreational electronics easily turns into time taken away from other, developmentally more important, activities.

·         Your child needs protection from bullying and exploitation.  A child who struggles with social skills is often the first to be singled out and the least able to act in self-defense.  Whenever possible, work closely and in partnership with your child’s school.

·         Remain calm and patient.  Maintain a sense of humor.  Don’t take your child’s inevitable social miscues personally.  Turn them into learning opportunities.

·         Embrace the journey.  You can do this!

Democracy

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” (Winston Churchill, 1874—1965)

Our country was invaded, attacked, and weakened. Covid killed more than 800,000 citizens. More die each day.  We failed to coordinate a unified counterattack to Covid, and we responded to this invader with neither common purpose nor common sense.  We argued about vaccines and masks.  For too many, conspiracy theories prevailed.  Rational discourse did not. In the past, we rallied together to defeat the common enemy. This time, we did not. We are more deeply divided now than ever. Our democracy, if not terminally ill, is in desperate need of intensive care. 

When a patient is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit a list of problems is identified.  If democracy is the patient, then here’s a list of the problems:

1)      COMPLACENCY—The apathy of a centrist majority empowers the enraged and disenfranchised few, the right-wing and left-wing zealots, those who would willingly exchange our two-party system of democracy for single-party autocracy.

2)      IGNORANCE—A failing system of public education graduates too many students who are taught too little civics, science, and critical thinking.

3)      TRIBALISM—No longer the melting-pot that honored our commonality, we are a nation of differences; blue and red, black and white, us and them.

4)      MISINFORMATION—Under the protective umbrella of ‘free speech’ lies and falsehoods compete on equal footing with truth.

5)      BUREAUCRACY--Rules, regulations, threat of litigation, and red tape have replaced judgement, discretion, and common sense.

6)      EXCUSES—Blame has replaced leadership and responsibility.

7)      ENTITLEMENT—Civic responsibility is a thing of the past.  We no longer ask, “what I can do for my country.”  Instead, we ask, “what my country can do for me.”

8)      MORAL TURPITUDE—We remain a nation of laws, but no longer a nation of principles. There is no guiding moral compass. Sworn oaths mean nothing. Political careers are guided not by principle, but by the quest for reelection and power.

9)      GREED—Capitalism’s Achilles heel, the accumulation of vast wealth and power by the very few, has led to a declining middle-class and a society of haves and have-nots.

10)  WASTE—National wealth has been squandered and misspent. We are trillions of dollars in debt. 

Whether it be information or misinformation, I read that a significant minority of Americans, 28%, still believe that the last presidential election will be overturned. Some even believe that armed resistance should be used to overthrow the current government.  Biden flounders, Trump lurks in the background, and too few have the courage to fight on behalf of democracy.  

“No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that Democracy is the worst form of Government except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” Churchill was the defender of democracy in a time of rising fascism.  His words remind me why, despite the daunting list of problems, I pray the patient recovers.

Cheating?

“Cheating is a choice, not a mistake.” (anonymous)

I just got back from a quick trip to Colorado.  I was able to spend one day in the mountains fishing with my brothers-in-law.

On a gorgeous morning, temperature in the 50’s, aspens at the height of their color, we drove to a beautiful little lake.  However, after 3 hours of fly-fishing I had hooked only 3 fish, which was 3 fish more than either of my in-laws. We paused for lunch and shared our frustration.  So, we decided on a plan in order to make sure that the afternoon would be more rewarding

We went to a trout farm off of Interstate-285 and paid to fish. Yes, a trout farm, the kind of place you take your children when you want to guarantee that, for a price, they will catch a fish. The price we negotiated for 2 hours of fly-fishing was not so unreasonable. We agreed to use barbless hooks in order to minimize harm to the fish. We agreed with the owner that we would catch-and-release any of the fish that we hooked. 

For 2 hours we caught (and released) fish after fish, big fish and little fish, rainbow trout and brown trout.  They bit on dry flies. They bit on terrestrials. They bit on nymphs. They bit on streamers. In fact, at one point I got so bored with catching trout that I tried to find a lure that they would not bite.  After unsuccessfully trying half-a-dozen different lures, I finally found the lure that caught no fish. Trout don’t go for hot-pink marabou jigs.  No longer bored, I went back to the business of catching more trout.

When we got home and described our day of fishing, the wives seemed to think that going to the trout farm was cheating, like going to the zoo to hunt for big game.  Assume they were correct.  Assume that catching fish at the trout farm was sort-of cheating.  It doesn’t change the fact that the afternoon was a whole lot more fun than the morning.  So, shame on me, I cheated. Who says that cheaters never prosper?

Interdependence Day (or Parenting the Strong-Willed Child)

A strong-willed child can be oppositional, challenging, and at times exasperating.  Here's my advice to parents of a strong-willed child:

Avoid win/lose battles.  When possible, avoid the attitude of, “I’m going to make you”, which is inevitably followed by your child’s, “Oh no, you’re not.”  Instead, there is a concept I suggest you and your child discuss, the concept of interdependence.  Families are interdependent, “We depend on each other.” 

An engine has many interconnected parts, big and small, but if even a small part is not working properly then the whole engine does not run right. In every family there is work to be done.  Some jobs are bigger, and some are smaller, but everyone has a job and everyone's cooperation is needed.  If one person refuses to do their job, everyone pays a price.  The work is not always fun.  If it was, it wouldn’t be called chores. But the burden is shared. Grown-ups will do their grown-up chores.  Children will do theirs according to age and ability.  The expectation is to help one another.  That’s fair. That’s what families are supposed to do. That’s interdependence.

When your strong-willed child misbehaves, and they will, you may find yourself reflexively pondering the next punishment.  Frankly, I’ve never been particularly impressed with the benefits of spanking, grounding, or other creative punishments.  I’ve never yet seen the child who, as a result of their punishment, had a sudden epiphany, saw the light, and changed their ways.

An overly punished child is a discouraged child. Whereas the child who misbehaves needs to be encouraged to do better. The over-arching goal is that your child learns from mistakes. Misbehavior is an opportunity for you to teach. Children must learn both to apologize and to repair.   What your child has damaged must be repaired and restored.  What your child has broken must be paid for and replaced. 

Consequences are different than punishments. All behavior has consequences. Add to the discussion of interdependence an example of consequences, the rule of reciprocity.  “If you don’t do your job and make things hard for me and others, then don’t come to me asking for favors.” Conversely, “When you do your part and help out others, I will happily go out of my way to help you.”

Strong-willed children want autonomy.  They resist being told what to do.  They react to your requests as-if each request was a test of wills.  You all must begin to think of your day-to-day interactions not as a tug-of-war, but as a journey together, working hand-in-hand. Remember, that, while your child may disagree with your means you share a common goal, your child’s future success in life.

Make sure you always keep a perspective. Know what matters . . . your child’s character. Know what doesn’t matter . . . the small stuff.  Keep a sense of humor and enjoy your child’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.  Build good memories. Have some fun together.  Be sure to model for your child what you expect from them in return: flexibility, caring, compromise and cooperation.

"We need each other."  "We help each other out." That's what families are supposed to do. That's interdependence.

Redemption

As I understand a Jewish perspective, there is the belief in a messianic age when peace will prevail throughout the land.  This world can be made holy.  Despite all its cruelty and craziness, the world can be redeemed through Tikkun Olam, repairing this broken world.  Furthermore, though everyone is born with both an inclination for good and an inclination for evil, no one is beyond redemption.  Teshuva, re-turning towards good, is always possible. 

The seminal event in the origin of Judaism was the exodus from Egypt, from slavery into freedom, from homelessness into a promised land. Despite all the subsequent history and evidence to the contrary, Judaism has remained essentially optimistic.  There is still hope for this world.

As a Jew I will try to articulate a Christian perspective, as I understand it.  The world is filled with corruption.  Everyone comes into this world in a fallen state of sin.  This world is beyond redemption.  Only through faith in Christ and the grace of God will a select few find salvation in a better world to come.

The seminal event in the origin of Christianity was the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ.  Christianity emerged in a historic time of great cruelty and suffering, symbolized by the cross.  Christianity, to me, appears essentially pessimistic and justifiably so.  The world’s a mess. From a Christian perspective, this corrupt world is just a brief stop before life eternal where many will be damned, and a few will be saved.

I know too little to reflect intelligently on the Muslim, Hindu, or Buddhist perspectives.  But what about the scientific perspective?

As I understand the scientific perspective, words like redemption, salvation, corruption, and sin would not factor into any conversation.  From a religious perspective, these words mean a great deal.  From the scientific perspective these concepts can not be objectively observed and measured, therefore any discussion focusing on these words is not considered meaningful.

From a scientific perspective, there is a belief that science and technology are the pathway to a better world, though it is unclear what that ‘better world’ might look like.  Less suffering, longer life, and survival of our species are some of the goals of science, though it remains unclear whether science and technology will ultimately save us or destroy us. From the scientific perspective, the world will continue on for a few billion years, more or less, with or without us.  We can hope for longer and more comfortable lives, but ultimately our existence or nonexistence is of no matter in an otherwise indifferent universe.

I am trained in science, but I try to resist the spiritual nihilism of the scientific perspective.  In my times of pessimism, I can’t help but think that the Christian perspective may be correct, this world appears to be hopelessly corrupt.  I remain a Jew, but a troubled one. I look around and believe that we have been largely unsuccessful in the task of Tikkun Olam. The world remains broken. Why are we failing?  What must we do better?