Social Skills

For some children good social skills come naturally, but for many, not. What some children just seem to know, others must be taught.  Therapy, whether done individually or in groups, has its limits.  Some things are best learned when modelled and taught by parents.  Once upon a time, here’s what I told those parents:

·         Remember to teach your child the basics of self-care including appropriate dress, grooming, and personal hygiene.

·         Play games with your child, especially board games and card games.  Rehearse taking turns, being patient, being observant, following rules, being a gracious winner, and being a good loser.

·         Have lots of conversations. Have your child practice attentive listening and responding. Teach your child to ask socially appropriate questions.

·         Teach your child how to tell a joke.

·         Understand that while having a few good friends enhances the quality of life, popularity doesn’t predict outcome.  What matters is the ability to steer clear of the bad ones.  Children struggling to belong tend to gravitate to marginal peer groups that are willing to offer some measure of acceptance. Children rise or fall to the level of the peers that surround them. A true friend makes you better. Teach your child how to recognize a true friend.

·         Identify with your child a potential friend, and then set up a structured play date. Plan an activity.  Make it time limited.  End it on a positive note.

·         Encourage your child’s participation in adult-supervised structured peer activities, such as Scouts, 4-H, church youth groups and camps.

·         Choose sports according to your child’s ability to cooperate and participate.  Don’t put a child in a situation where they are likely to be ostracized.  If your child can’t throw and catch, don’t put them in baseball.  Consider signing your child up for martial arts, swimming, golf, or tennis where success can be self-paced.

·         Identify, encourage, and support your child’s talents, interests, and hobbies. These can become entrees for interaction with peers.  These can also, on occasion, become marketable skills.

·         Someday your child will need job skills—interviewing skills, customer skills, skills working with supervisors.  Start with the basics.  There is a right and a wrong way to shake a hand.

·         Encourage good work habits, including chores and schoolwork.

·         Set appropriate expectations and boundaries regarding the use of electronic social media.  Remember, for a child lacking in social common sense, there are people out there who prey upon the naïve.  Social media, used judiciously, can break down some of the barriers of isolation, but beware the hazards.

·         Discourage excessive use of electronics.  Recreational electronics easily turns into time taken away from other, developmentally more important, activities.

·         Your child needs protection from bullying and exploitation.  A child who struggles with social skills is often the first to be singled out and the least able to act in self-defense.  Whenever possible, work closely and in partnership with your child’s school.

·         Remain calm and patient.  Maintain a sense of humor.  Don’t take your child’s inevitable social miscues personally.  Turn them into learning opportunities.

·         Embrace the journey.  You can do this!