Interdependence Day (or Parenting the Strong-Willed Child)

A strong-willed child can be oppositional, challenging, and at times exasperating.  Here's my advice to parents of a strong-willed child:

Avoid win/lose battles.  When possible, avoid the attitude of, “I’m going to make you”, which is inevitably followed by your child’s, “Oh no, you’re not.”  Instead, there is a concept I suggest you and your child discuss, the concept of interdependence.  Families are interdependent, “We depend on each other.” 

An engine has many interconnected parts, big and small, but if even a small part is not working properly then the whole engine does not run right. In every family there is work to be done.  Some jobs are bigger, and some are smaller, but everyone has a job and everyone's cooperation is needed.  If one person refuses to do their job, everyone pays a price.  The work is not always fun.  If it was, it wouldn’t be called chores. But the burden is shared. Grown-ups will do their grown-up chores.  Children will do theirs according to age and ability.  The expectation is to help one another.  That’s fair. That’s what families are supposed to do. That’s interdependence.

When your strong-willed child misbehaves, and they will, you may find yourself reflexively pondering the next punishment.  Frankly, I’ve never been particularly impressed with the benefits of spanking, grounding, or other creative punishments.  I’ve never yet seen the child who, as a result of their punishment, had a sudden epiphany, saw the light, and changed their ways.

An overly punished child is a discouraged child. Whereas the child who misbehaves needs to be encouraged to do better. The over-arching goal is that your child learns from mistakes. Misbehavior is an opportunity for you to teach. Children must learn both to apologize and to repair.   What your child has damaged must be repaired and restored.  What your child has broken must be paid for and replaced. 

Consequences are different than punishments. All behavior has consequences. Add to the discussion of interdependence an example of consequences, the rule of reciprocity.  “If you don’t do your job and make things hard for me and others, then don’t come to me asking for favors.” Conversely, “When you do your part and help out others, I will happily go out of my way to help you.”

Strong-willed children want autonomy.  They resist being told what to do.  They react to your requests as-if each request was a test of wills.  You all must begin to think of your day-to-day interactions not as a tug-of-war, but as a journey together, working hand-in-hand. Remember, that, while your child may disagree with your means you share a common goal, your child’s future success in life.

Make sure you always keep a perspective. Know what matters . . . your child’s character. Know what doesn’t matter . . . the small stuff.  Keep a sense of humor and enjoy your child’s quirks and idiosyncrasies.  Build good memories. Have some fun together.  Be sure to model for your child what you expect from them in return: flexibility, caring, compromise and cooperation.

"We need each other."  "We help each other out." That's what families are supposed to do. That's interdependence.