ENCOURAGEMENT

 

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”  (Rudolf Dreikurs, 1897—1972)

“Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage.”  (Neal Maxwell, 1926—2004)

 

Many of the children I see in my practice have had little experience of success and competency.  They go to school, their workplace.  There they struggle with the challenges of academics, socialization, and compliance to normative rules.  Every day they go to work, surrounded by peers for whom success comes more often and more easily. Every day they watch those peers receive the praise and attention of the teachers, while they do not.

Sometimes, home is no better.  There, they are often berated, even punished, for their shortcomings.  They are told that they must ‘do better’ but are not given the tools or support to do so.

Imagine, going to work every day feeling inept, feeling like a failure.  Imagine, going to work knowing that you face many more years of the same.  Imagine going to work believing that the status quo cannot and will not change. You must go there every day. The law says so.  You go there only to be reminded of your shortcomings, and you must keep going.  There is no hope of being fired.  There is no pathway for success.

The doctors I train in child psychiatry, describe to me their young patients.  Many of their patients seem sad, irritable, angry and unmotivated. The young doctors are quick to call their patients ‘depressed’.  I ask these doctors to consider an alternative word.  Perhaps their patients are ‘discouraged’.  There is a difference between being depressed and being discouraged.  The distinction is not trivial.  Depression sometimes gets better with medication.  Discouragement never does.

Alfred Adler (1870-1937), best known for describing the “inferiority complex”, was an Austrian psychotherapist and contemporary of Freud’s.  He wrote extensively about discouragement, seeing this as prominent condition in his patient population.  He described how discouragement, literally the loss of courage, leads to a variety of maladaptive behaviors.  For Adler, the goal of therapy was encouragement, helping patients discover the courage within to face life's circumstances and challenges.

Parents can discourage or encourage.  Encouragement does not mean having less expectations nor does it mean forgoing discipline.  Frequently I point out to parents that there are two ways to discipline a child.  You can point out to your child that, “you messed up again, as usual.”  Or you can point out to your child that, “You messed up this time, and I know you’re better than that. How do we learn from this episode and move forward?”

Encouragement is neither a gratuitous compliment nor a pat on the back. It’s helping children who are used to failure find interests, strengths, and talents upon which to build.   It’s helping children who are used to failure find ways to experience meaningful success.  It’s helping children discover the courage and resilience to weather life’s bumps and bruises. Encouragement offers children the hope and vision of a pathway towards success.