Discipline

“True freedom is impossible without a mind made free by discipline.”  Mortimer Adler (1902—2001)

When children and adolescents came to the office with out-of-control behavior, it was rarely for lack of punishment.  Many had accumulated years and years of punishments.  They’d been spanked, grounded, and yelled at.  They’d lost privileges and had possessions taken away.  Some had even been to court, in juvenile detention or on probation.  Most of these youngsters were over-punished and all were under-disciplined.

Mistakenly, impulse-ridden acting-out children are often labelled ‘willful’ whereas it would be more accurate to label them ‘will-less.’  They are not making ‘bad choices.’  There is no act of decision making.  Without self-discipline they don’t stop to think and choose.  They react.  Like tapping on a knee, their behavior is reflexive, not reflective.

It is important to know the difference between discipline and punishment.  Discipline comes from the Latin root ‘Discipulus’ meaning pupil.  Discipline is process of teaching that emphasizes hard work, the practice of good habits over time, setting long-term goals, and accepting delayed gratification.

Take for example a child learning to play a musical instrument.  Discipline is the 15 or 20 minutes spent practicing every day, even when they’d rather being doing something else, even when it feels boring or hard.  It may feel like punishment, but it’s not.  At first the music sounds clunky.  Scales are no fun.  But stick with it for a few months and they begin to play some melodies.  Stick with it for a few years and they begin to play and create beautiful music.

Punishment is getting yelled at or grounded for not practicing.  Punishment gets you no closer to the goal of mastery.  Practice does.  Inevitably a parent asks, “What do I do if my child refuses to practice.”  I reply, as in the movie Apollo 13, “Failure is not an option.”  “If your expectations are clear, your child will practice.”  (By the way, it is estimated that 1,200 hours of practice are needed to become 'good' on the violin.  6,000 to 8,000 hours of practice are needed to become a concert violinist.)

There are important keys to raising a disciplined child.  It takes a caring and committed parent, willing to instruct and to model.  The parent must teach the value of delayed gratification and help their child to set long-term goals.  The parent must motivate, conveying the belief in their child’s capacity for ultimate success. 

Disciplined, a child learns to postpone immediate gratification for more distant goals.  Disciplined, a child acquires the self-confidence that comes from hard work and achievement. Disciplined, a child grows prepared to assume adult responsibilities to family and to community.  Disciplined, a child is prepared to face life’s trials and challenges with courage and with character.