Oppositionality

Forget the diagnosis ‘Oppositional Defiant Disorder’, commonly abbreviated to O.D.D.  Dare I say, I find this diagnosis to be 'odd'.  Something’s not quite right, taking childhood rebellious and defiant behavior and turning it into a mental disorder. My office was once filled with very oppositional children . . .  oppositional but otherwise healthy children.

Not all oppositionality is the same. Some oppositionality is found in children who have difficult and irritable temperaments.  About 10% of all children are born with such a difficult temperament.  This is not considered to be abnormal or pathologic, just difficult.  These kids are often edgy, rigid, and inflexible. They adapt poorly to change and inconsistency.

When children have difficult temperaments, parents and teachers should provide a calm, reassuring, and consistent environment.  Occasionally interjecting some fun and humor goes a long way helping these children to interact more positively with the grown-ups.

Some oppositionality occurs in children who are asked to do what they cannot.  Sometimes teachers and parents have expectations that exceed the child’s physical or mental capacity. In response to the miserable, poorly tolerated, and passive state of “I can’t”, these children change their interactions to the in-control and active state of, “I won’t.”

It is unfair, even cruel, to expect children to do what they cannot.  Sometimes expectations have to be revised.  These children should be evaluated and provided supportive services when needed. Parents and teachers need to identify these children’s strengths and assets. Give them opportunities for success, not for additional frustration.

A great deal of oppositionality arises when children interact with authoritarian, obedience-obsessed adults, grown-ups whose over-arching expectation is, “Do as I say.” When obedience is demanded, a child has only two choices, to obey or to disobey. Many choose the latter.

When obedience is demanded, it can lead to a test of wills. “Do as I say.” “You can’t make me.”  “Oh yes I can.”  Oh no you can’t.”  This is a win/lose battle.  The problem is, in the long run, the child will always lose.  If the child wins the battle, then defiance is rewarded, and the behavior escalates.  If the child loses the battle, they do so with accumulating resentment. No one likes to lose and, in the future, they will learn to fight the battles longer and harder.

It’s not always easy, but authoritarian adults need to learn alternatives to win/lose interactions.  The absolutes should be few in number:  no hitting, no stealing, no running into the street, etc.  But battles need not be fought over the small things.  If a child wants to wear plaid and stripes together, so what? Let ‘em.

Some degree of oppositionality is developmentally normal.  Children challenge rules and boundaries, especially with their parents.  A child who is oppositional around the house but goes out into the world and interacts appropriately with teachers and other adults, is of far less concern than a child who acts defiantly outside of the home.

Some degree of oppositionality is even normal in adults.  Matter of fact, I’ve been called oppositional, but I’m not.