Nature and Nurture

Back when I took Psychology 101, a much-discussed topic was the nature vs. nurture debate.  Theorists argued the extent to which development was influenced by genetic and biological factors (nature) versus the extent to which development was influenced by experience and education (nurture). Having watched my children grow, I am struck by the degree to which they are who they are by nature, less modified by nurture than I would have supposed.

From day one, my children came into the world different from one another.  Though offspring of the same parents, they had totally different temperaments and personalities.  One was by nature mellow, the other intense.  One wanted company, the other autonomy.  They slept differently.  On child you could kiss, hug or shake without disturbing sleep.  Touch the other child when sleeping, you’d get a swinging elbow and an accompanying groan of displeasure.

Emotionally, they were by nature different.  One was quick to show tears.  The other, unable to tolerate feeling sad, would instead get mad.  The discipline that worked for one was ineffective with the other.  Scold one and there were tears of remorse.  Scold the other and it was back-at-you.

Happily, both were funny and bright, but their styles of learning differed dramatically.  One was a sponge, eyes and ears open, information absorbed.  The other learned through active manipulation and mastery.  One child avoided any task that felt too hard, until age and development assured success, and then the task was quickly learned.  The other turned obstacles into challenges.  No problem was put aside until it was mastered.

Known to family therapists as “goodness of fit”, there are times when a child’s nature fits well with parental hopes and expectations.  There are times when it does not.  Sometimes there is a clash of child and parent temperament.  A quiet and cerebral child can be a difficult adjustment for parents who imagined a competitive and athletic child.  An active, exploring child can be a poor fit for parents more comfortable with quiet and order.  A strong-willed and independent child will struggle with parents who desire compliance and obedience.

It’s hard to nurture when natures clash.  Parents experience futility and disappointment when trying to make their child be who they are not.  There should be a parental version of the Hippocratic oath, “Above all else, do no harm.”  I would add to the oath a “lighten up” clause, a promise to maintain a sense of humor.

Through the years, my wife and I nurtured our children by providing a moral compass, discipline, and a safe environment in which to grow.  We have learned that by their nature, they are who they are.

I remember many years ago, when they were young.  One of my children, independent and creative, would not accept anything conventionally.  I tried to teach the rules for Go Fish.  Instead, my child insisted on inventing two alternative games, “Don’t Go Fish” and “Go Flush.”

My other child, social and good natured, came to me when learning the alphabet.  I was asked, “Daddy, what’s your favorite ‘F’ word?”  Unflappable psychiatrist that I was, I turned question into question.  “What’s your favorite ‘F’ word?”  “That’s easy . . .  Friend.”