Myths and Manners

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?  If I am only for myself, what am I?”  (Hillel the Elder, c. 110 BCE – 10 CE)

Long, long ago, in a time before selfies and tweets, the destructive legacy of narcissism was told in ancient Greek mythology.  Narcissus was a young and handsome hunter, loved by many maidens, but cold and indifferent to them all.  Cursed by those whose love he spurned, he came upon a pool of water whose surface was like polished silver.  He had never seen his own reflection.  Doing so, he fell in love.  He stretched out his arms to grasp the lovely reflection of himself, but as he touched the water his image dissolved into ripples.  Day after day he peered into the water, tearful and longing for his reflection.  Consumed by self-love he withered away, leaving only a small flower that bears his name.

Narcissus grew up in a culture where physical beauty was worshipped, and he was quite handsome.  His mother Selene was a minor goddess, and his father Endymion a mortal.  Together, Selene and Endymion had one boy, Narcissus, and fifty daughters.  Endymion was himself a handsome and vain man who chose to sleep eternally, believing that by doing so he would escape aging and death.  Imagine being raised in a dysfunctional Greek family by an absent (sleeping) father, a goddess for a mother, and fifty sisters.

What do we learn from the story of Narcissus?  First, a vain and self-absorbed child came from the home a vain and self-absorbed parent.  Second, trapped in self-absorption, both child and parent ceased to live meaningful lives.

So, what’s a parent to do?  According to contemporary French philosopher Andre Comte-Sponville, teach children to be polite.  Learning good manners is a child’s first lesson in seeing beyond one’s self and into the feelings, needs and comfort of another. Children learn from manners how to live with others in a shared world.  And while some can learn manners but otherwise lack virtue, no one can acquire virtue without having first learned to care about others.

I still remember a book given to me by my parents when I was in Kindergarten. Manners Can Be Fun by Munro Leaf.  Written in 1936 and still in print, Manners Can Be Fun was all about the importance of ‘please’, and ‘thank-you’ and ‘excuse me’ so as not to become like the Noiseys, the Whineys, the Pigs and the Me-Firsts.

I suppose the story of Narcissus could have been quite different had Selene and Endymion taught him at a young age to say (in Greek of course), "please," "thank-you" and "excuse me."  If good manners had been learned as a child, Narcissus may not have become a Me-First.  Had there been responsible adult guidance, he might have learned to see beyond his own self-reflection.