ENCOURAGEMENT

 

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”  (Rudolf Dreikurs, 1897—1972)

“Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage.”  (Neal Maxwell, 1926—2004)

 

Many of the children I see in my practice have had little experience of success and competency.  They go to school, their workplace.  There they struggle with the challenges of academics, socialization, and compliance to normative rules.  Every day they go to work, surrounded by peers for whom success comes more often and more easily. Every day they watch those peers receive the praise and attention of the teachers, while they do not.

Sometimes, home is no better.  There, they are often berated, even punished, for their shortcomings.  They are told that they must ‘do better’ but are not given the tools or support to do so.

Imagine, going to work every day feeling inept, feeling like a failure.  Imagine, going to work knowing that you face many more years of the same.  Imagine going to work believing that the status quo cannot and will not change. You must go there every day. The law says so.  You go there only to be reminded of your shortcomings, and you must keep going.  There is no hope of being fired.  There is no pathway for success.

The doctors I train in child psychiatry, describe to me their young patients.  Many of their patients seem sad, irritable, angry and unmotivated. The young doctors are quick to call their patients ‘depressed’.  I ask these doctors to consider an alternative word.  Perhaps their patients are ‘discouraged’.  There is a difference between being depressed and being discouraged.  The distinction is not trivial.  Depression sometimes gets better with medication.  Discouragement never does.

Alfred Adler (1870-1937), best known for describing the “inferiority complex”, was an Austrian psychotherapist and contemporary of Freud’s.  He wrote extensively about discouragement, seeing this as prominent condition in his patient population.  He described how discouragement, literally the loss of courage, leads to a variety of maladaptive behaviors.  For Adler, the goal of therapy was encouragement, helping patients discover the courage within to face life's circumstances and challenges.

Parents can discourage or encourage.  Encouragement does not mean having less expectations nor does it mean forgoing discipline.  Frequently I point out to parents that there are two ways to discipline a child.  You can point out to your child that, “you messed up again, as usual.”  Or you can point out to your child that, “You messed up this time, and I know you’re better than that. How do we learn from this episode and move forward?”

Encouragement is neither a gratuitous compliment nor a pat on the back. It’s helping children who are used to failure find interests, strengths, and talents upon which to build.   It’s helping children who are used to failure find ways to experience meaningful success.  It’s helping children discover the courage and resilience to weather life’s bumps and bruises. Encouragement offers children the hope and vision of a pathway towards success.

 

FEAR

 

“Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”    (Bertrand Russell, 1872 – 1970)

 

Sigmund Freud was wrong about a great many things.  But he was absolutely right to conclude that humans are primarily irrational beings, acting upon primitive emotions.  In contrast, rational thinking is often used not for understanding, but to justify our otherwise emotionally driven behaviors.  How else can I hope to understand this election cycle?  How can I begin to comprehend the seemingly entrenched irrational beliefs that persist despite all evidence to the contrary?

Fear is the deep-rooted emotion that is driving this election.  Candidates sow the seeds of doubt.  Mass media makes it far easier for those seeds to sprout.  And once those seeds grow, they blossom into fear.  Fear of conspiracies.  Fear of fake news.  Fear of corrupted elections. Fear of corrupted courts. Fear of collapsing financial markets.  Fear of collapsing societal morals. Fear of foreigners. It has gotten so crazy that some fear Haitians in Springfield are eating our pets.

What has happened over time?  I remember when Colorado Senator Gary Hart was dismissed as a potential presidential candidate, because he was caught having and extra-marital tryst.  We once feared that a morally flawed candidate would not be a suitable national leader.  Now a convicted felon, a sexual predator, and a fraud is a presidential candidate, with a real chance of winning the election.

This same candidate persists in spreading lies about the prior election, despite no credibility to his claims.  His claims were dismissed in more than 30 courts.  Nevertheless, the lie has spread.  This candidate now says the election was rigged AND the courts can’t be trusted.  The polls say that this election is neck and neck.  It is possible that we will elect as president a man who tried to incite a mob, obstruct constitutional proceedings, and overthrow a democratic election.  Why?  Because nearly half the population fears the other side even more.

In the aftermath of World War II, political philosopher Hannah Arendt (1906-1975) wrote The Origins of Totalitarianism, examining the rise of Hitler and Stalin.  Hitler and Stalin rose to power telling lies.  Note closely Arendt's observation: “This constant lying is not aimed at making the people believe a lie, but at ensuring that no one believes anything anymore.  A people that can no longer distinguish between truth and lies cannot distinguish between right and wrong.  And such a people deprived of the power to think and judge is, without knowing and willing it, completely subjected to the rule of lies. With such a people, you can do whatever you want.”

Facts no longer seems to matter.  Truth, if there is such a thing, counts for nothing.  In this election, we will vote out of fear.  My fears will determine my vote. I fear the loss of reason and discourse in our politics.  I fear the rising tide of hate, anger, and intolerance in our society. I fear the betrayal of our constitutional principles and I fear the potential collapse of democracy.  I fear one candidate far more than I fear the other.