Basic Trust

“Ultimately, there can be no complete healing until we have restored our primal trust in life.” (Georg Feuerstein, 1947—2012)

“Love cannot live where there is no trust.”  (Edith Hamilton, 1867—1963)

I look at my new grandson, sleeping, eating, eliminating, crying, opening his eyes while slowly processing the sights, sounds, smells, and textures of a new and unfamiliar world, helpless now, helpless for many weeks and months to come.

Helplessness is the primal life experience.  The infant, who can only protest and wait, must rely upon the benevolence and attentiveness of the surrounding caretakers.  For an infant, being wet, dirty, hungry, thirsty is beyond personal remedy.  And it is from the earliest life experiences, when those needs are met, that a child begins to develop trust in their world.

Psychologist Erik Erikson, known for describing 8 stages of development covering the lifespan, called infancy the stage of Basic Trust vs. Mistrust. An infant learns trust when breasts and bottles appear on time, when diapers are changed as needed, and solace is offered in times of distress. If an infant’s needs are met; if when hungry . . . fed, if when dirty . . . cleaned and changed, if when crying . . . comforted, and if when tired . . . helped to sleep, that child will develop a basic trust in the benevolence of their world.

Unfortunately, for some, life begins very differently. Too often, in my practice, I saw children who as infants were neglected or abused.  Rather than beginning life surrounded by caring and trustworthy others, basic needs often went unattended. The world, as they first experienced it, was a hurtful and unreliable place to be. Understandably, from early life experiences, they learned to see ‘caretaker’ others through lenses of doubt and suspicion.

Mistrust persists.  For the child who began life mistreated and mistrusting, years later, even caring adults are perceived as anything but caring. A child who mistrusts is a child who is alone and frightened. A child who mistrusts feels that they must fend for themselves. Do something, do anything, rather than feel helpless.

These children will adopt a variety of strategies to feel in control. Some learn to provoke, for it is better to be in control of the time and place of mistreatment, rather than have no control or warning.  Some children will invent an explanation for their mistreatment, usually self-blame.  “I was mistreated because I deserved it.”  It is better to have a reason, any reason, rather than none at all.

Some of these children learn to mask their feelings, concealing from others the turmoil within, for others cannot be trusted to understand the internal chaos and darkness.  As they grow, some will continue to mask feelings by numbing with drugs and alcohol.  Some will ward off feelings of loneliness and helplessness by finding safety in numbers, often affiliating with gangs or cults. Some become like the bullying adults, controlling their inner turmoil by controlling weaker others.

To trust or not to trust, for the infant, that is the question. The question is answered during the youngest years of life.  That answer can last for a lifetime.

I look at my new grandson, helpless, trusting.