40 Principles of Parenting*

There are hundreds of books offering advice to parents.  The books range from the very straight-forward to the very philosophic.  Some provide a general overview of parenting. Others are written about children with specific challenges. Some are practical how-to books.  Others tend to focus on the parent-child relationship.  There are so many books because there are so many parents asking questions and there is no one right answer.  When it comes to raising children, there is little scientific consensus.  There is mostly opinion.

I taught a course on parent guidance to young doctors.  In this course we reviewed many parenting books, good and bad.  Though each author had a unique perspective and opinion to offer, there were themes, ideas about ‘good parenting’, that seemed to reoccur through many of the books.  From this, my class distilled 40 principles of good parenting.

This is likely the longest blog I’ll ever write, but it’s far shorter than the book I had intended to write.  I once thought I would write a book based on these 40 principles.  Well, here are those principles, given to you in their bare form, without the commentary or illustrative examples that I would have included in my book. Yet, for those of you who are parents, I hope you find this list helpful.  Feel free to delete from the list any principles with which you disagree.  Please add to the list any additional principles you’ve discovered and embraced in your parenting journey:

Principle I:  Parents must provide children with the basics; food, shelter, medical care, and a safe/protected environment.  All other principles are secondary and contingent upon this first.

Principle II:  Parents should provide leadership.  Good leadership is calm and confident.  Leadership remains so even in the face of challenge and crisis.  When parents scream, threaten, nag, or hit, credible leadership has been lost.

Principle III:  Parents should model what they teach.  Model character.  Model willingness to change.  I have heard it said, “If you don’t model what you teach, you’re teaching something else.”  Parents model for their children ‘how to be’, how life is meant to be lived.

Principle IV:  Parents should raise adults.  It is the task of parenting to prepare children to become independent.  Give your children the opportunity to develop skills that will lead to competence.

Principle V:  Parents should avoid, when possible, win/lose battles with their children. Children who win these battles become insufferable.  Children who lose these battles become sullen and resentful.  Parenting is not a contest of wills.  It is a journey of parent and child together.

Principle VI:  Parents should remember to use the wise words, “go play” with their children. In other words: turn off the screens go outside, go exercise, go use your imagination.  Go find the resources within yourself to be entertained, to wonder, and to explore.

Principle VII:  Parents should raise children with encouragement.  Parents must convey a belief in their children’s capacity to learn, to grow, and to accomplish.  Parents must discipline with a tone of encouragement, "I know you can do better."  Parents must find ample occasions in which to give praise.

Principle VIII:  Parents should strive for consistency.  Parents are human.  There will always be good days and bad.  There will always be situations better handled or poorly handled.  Consistency means that despite the everyday ups and downs, there remains a consistent set of beliefs and guiding principles.

Principle IX:  Parents should be flexible and creative.  Different situations, different circumstances, different ages may require different responses.  What works with one child may not work with another.  What works at one age may not work at another. A common error is to keep trying to do what has already been proven not to work.

Principle X:  Parents should talk to their children about being part of a family. Families are interdependent systems.  Parents lead the family, but like the engine of a car, there are big parts and little parts. For the engine to run properly, each part must do its job.  A family relies upon one another, and every job is important to the function of the family.

Principle XI:  Parents should respect and value their children.  Children are not property or baggage.  Treat children not as ‘its’ but as ‘Thou’s.’

Principle XII:  Parents should attend to their children’s character.  Make ‘being good’ more important than ‘being happy’.

Principle XIII:  Parents should provide their children with a moral compass; begin with the Golden Rule, “do unto others.”  A religious parent can teach a child the moral precepts of the faith.  A secular parent can teach a child the principles and morals that guide the family.

Principle XIV:  Parents should make rules and expectations that are simple and clear.  Plan and discuss rules, expectations, and consequences in advance.  Set age-appropriate limits.  Encourage children to participate in the planning.

Principle XV:  Parents should make consequences proportionate to the misdeed.  When possible, allow natural consequences to follow.  When necessary, make consequences follow logically from the misdeed.

Principle XVI:  Parents should negotiate with their children, increased privileges for increased responsibility.

Principle XVII:  Parents should avoid too much talk and negotiation when implementing consequences.  Implement consequences calmly and firmly.

Principle XVIII:  Parents should utilize time-outs for both children and themselves.  This is a time to cool off, to think and to reflect.  Rather than lash out, rather than let your amygdala do the talking, say to a child, “I need time to get my thoughts together”, “I’m too angry to speak right now”, “I don’t want to say something now I’ll regret later”.  Don’t react. Don’t try to reason with a child who is in an unreasonable frame of mind.  Talk will usually escalate the situation.  Wait until everyone has cooled off.

Principle XIX:  Parents should turn mistakes and misdeeds into learning opportunities.  It is far more important that children learn from mistakes rather than how children are punished for mistakes.  Discipline, as in the word disciple, means to learn.

Principle XX:  Parents should make their children not just the problem, but participants in the solution.

Principle XXI:  Parents should, when possible, give choices, not ultimatums.

Principle XXII:  Parents should model good communication with their children.  They must be fully present.  Put down the electronics.  Make eye contact. Speak to children at their eye level.

Principle XXIII:  Parents should acknowledge with empathy their children’s challenges but remind their children consistently that challenges are different from excuses.

Principle XXIV:  Parents should encourage their children to do even better, but not so much as to lead to excessive frustration and failure.  Teach children that challenges are not to be avoided.  Challenges are there to accept and embrace.

Principle XXV:  Parents should avoid the overuse of bribes.  This includes star charts, stickers, and other forms of ‘rewards for good behavior’.  Avoid raising children who automatically ask, “what’s in it for me?’

Principle XXVI:  Parents should discipline. Discipline is different than punishment.  If a child sets out to learn to play a musical instrument, discipline means practicing 15-minutes every day.  It may be boring.  The music may not sound good at first.  Scales are no fun.  But if you stick with it, the music begins to sound better.  Stick with it over time and you may become a musician.  Punishment is “you’re grounded for not practicing.”  How many times you’re grounded matters little.  Whether you had the discipline to practice is what will count in the long term.

Principle XXVII:  Parents should be forgiving of their children and of themselves.  We are all imperfect.  We all struggle.  Most times we and our children do the best we can.

Principle XXVIII:  Parents should be ready to ‘coach’.  A coach teaches skills, and a coach is a motivator.  Coaches come up with game plans, but it’s the players that must execute the plays. When you play games with your children, compete less, coach more.

Principle XXIX:  Parents should encourage their children to set goals.  Help children to have a vision not only of what they want to be, but who they want to be.

Principle XXX:  Parents should not do for their children what their children are able to do for themselves.

Principle XXXI:  Parents should teach children to observe and respect personal boundaries.  Parents are entitled to their privacy. Model and teach age-appropriate modesty and privacy.

Principle XXXII:  Parents should value and support education and learning.  Encourage curiosity.  Encourage reading.  Encourage exploring.  Encourage outings to museums or the library.  Provide an environment conducive to homework and study.  School is a child’s primary job.

Principle XXXIII:  Parents should respect the power of words to hurt or to heal.  Labels matter.  When possible, find the positive label for children.  To label children ‘determined’ or ‘strong-willed’ is preferable to ‘defiant’ or ‘oppositional’.

Principle XXXIV:  Parents should encourage the use of words.  Children who can talk out a problem are less apt to act out.  Read to your children.  Have conversations with them.  Teach them to express their thoughts, their ideas, their feelings, and their beliefs.

Principle XXXV:  Parents should teach children manners, how to say ‘please’.  Teach children gratitude, how to feel thankful.  Teach children to be givers rather than takers.  Teach sharing, generosity, and social responsibility.

Principle XXXVI:  Parents should guide children towards role-models.  Help children to distinguish a role-model from a celebrity, a hero from an idol.

Principle XXXVII:  Parents should give their children the gift of a family narrative: the history of the generations, the culture, the religion, and the associated values.

Principle XXXVIII:  Parents should ‘remember when’.  You were once that age.  Empathize with your child’s developmental challenges.

Principle XXXIX:  Parents should remember to hug, to kiss, and to say, “I love you.”  These are powerful antidotes to sadness, discouragement and anger.

Principle XL:  Find the joy in parenting.  It is hard work.  It is a 24/7 job.  But children can be a great blessing.  “For to miss the joy is to miss all.”  (R.L. Stevenson)

 

*an abridged version can be found on the blog from Jan. 7, 2019