A River

 “No man ever steps in the same river twice for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”  (Heraclitus, c. 540-480 BCE)

“Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it.”  (Norman Maclean, 1902—1990)

Recently, Sue and I were at a show featuring Beatle’s music.  The familiar songs took me back to my youth, until I looked around at the audience and saw mostly silver-haired old people.  Reflexively, I questioned why a bunch of old people would want to be sitting here listening to rock music.  I had to remind myself that I too was a silver-haired old person, and I was listening to music that is now almost 60 years old. I am no longer that youth rocking to the new tunes of Paul, John, George, and Ringo.  I am a different person, living in a different body, in a different time.

I was once young . . . no longer. I was once a child, then a camp counselor, then a graduate student and bachelor . . . no longer.  There is much I once was that I am no longer.

My life is not without continuity. My DNA remains unchanged. There are aspects of my temperament and personality that I’ve carried with me from youth.  And I have memories, the blocks upon which I construct a continuous narrative of my life.

Yet, I am not who I once was.  I look differently than I once did.  I see differently than I once did.  I hear differently than I once did.  I read and understand differently than I once did.  I think differently. I experience my emotions differently.  I relate to others differently.   I behave differently.  I believe differently. There is much I am, that I was not before.

 

I am old,

With vestiges of a boy

I once was.

 

I am a river

From rains, springs, and rivulets,

Past, present, future.

 

Where flows the river?

To the ocean

Or to oblivion.

 

Good poetry or bad?  I don’t know enough to judge the difference, but I find solace and perhaps some wisdom in the metaphor of the river.  “Dat ol’ man river . . . he keeps on rollin’ along.” The river is continuous, and yet ever-changing.  The river is timeless . . . past, present, and future all contained within.  Along its course, the river both shapes the landscape and is guided by the landscape. The river grows from the rains, the springs, and the rivulets, and the river gives back its life-sustaining water.  I struggle a bit with the implication that the course of my life, like the river, flows downhill, yet I accept that life must flow to its destination.  And then the river merges into one.

Bear Safety

When I was young, I thought of bears as friendly, funny, lovable creatures.  If you asked me on a word association test, my response to “bear” would have been “Pooh” or “Yogi” or “Smokey the Bear”.  Ask me now on the same test, and I am likely to answer “grizzly” or “predator” or “talons.”

There have been a couple of mauling’s in the national news, so I write this blog as a public service announcement.  Having recently returned from vacation in Alaska, where they take their bears very seriously, I pass along to you what I learned about the rules of bear safety.

Bear safety was addressed in the very first chapter of my Alaska tourist guidebook. It said that if you see a black bear, make a lot of noise, and try to look large and intimidating.  However, if you see a brown bear, a.k.a. grizzly bear, you might want to play dead.  In other words, if you are attacked you must first differentiate which color of bear is coming at you and then you must quickly decide which of two strategies to employ . .  . and try not to get them backward.  Sure.

I asked a local merchant how seriously I should take the warnings about bears. She assured me that there was a real risk and proceeded to sell me a $30 can of bear spray, which included a hip holster and a manual devoted to bear safety.

According to the manual, bears like to hang out near stream beds, in dense foliage, or in berry patches.  I actually saw one bear in Alaska, a grizzly about ½-mile away and up the hill, content to ignore me while eating its way through a patch of blueberries.

Try not to surprise a bear.  Make plenty of noise when hiking.  If you have to do your business in the bushes, announce your presence. A loud whistle comes in handy.  If you spot a bear cub, get out of the area quickly.  You don’t want run into mom. But should you encounter mom, stay calm, avoid eye contact, and don’t run.  If there is a climbable tree nearby, make sure you have time to climb at least 14ft. before the bear can reach you.  Climb as high as you can and stay there until the bear is gone.  But be aware that some grizzlies and all black bears can climb trees.  Hmmm.

There are several reasons why a bear might attack.  A bear might be protecting its cubs, it might be surprised and startled, or you might have ventured too close to its food supply.  The manual also mentions a fourth reason.  It might be a predatory bear expecting you for dinner.

If a bear charges it could be a ‘bluff charge’, in which case the bear will stop short of you, veer off and run past you.  However, if instead you find yourself being mauled, and playing dead hasn’t worked too well, you might have to fight back.  If so, try hitting the bear in the head, the eyes, and the nostrils.  I’m not making this up. This is what the manual says.

Be sure to carry your can of bear spray within easy reach, and not in a purse or backpack. I kept mine in a holster close to my right hand and, like in the wild west, I practiced my quick draw.  For the most part, the tourists I encountered while hiking took bear safety seriously and were armed with their cans of bear spray. The Alaskans I encountered while hiking also took bear safety seriously and were armed with their Magnum 45’s.

Cremation?

To be buried or to be cremated?  That is the question . . . my question.  For my parents and grandparents there was no question and there was no choice.  They were buried according to tradition, next to family, in inherited plots.  However, I do have a choice. 

The funeral industry is a rip-off.  I witnessed this while burying my parents.  It began while I was in mourning, being led through a showroom of over-priced coffins.  And then came the additional mandatory expenses for body preparation, clergy, funeral procession, and cemetery costs.  There was no time for comparative shopping or bargain hunting. It cost a small fortune, and for what?  I resolved then and there not to support that industry.

I will break with tradition and be cremated. Cremation just sounds cheaper and simpler . . . maybe. What happens to the ashes?  Are they kept in an urn?  Is the urn buried or kept on the mantle?  Do Sue and I each get our own urn, or do we get a single urn and mix our ashes together?  Do our ashes get divided evenly among the kids?  Or do our ashes get spread, and if so, where? 

There are more choices available.  Ashes can be transformed into art.  If I so choose, my ashes can be made into a lovely marble, a decorative paper weight, or a blown glass ornament.

I just found out that I can be cremated by fire or cremated by water.  Yes, there is something called ‘water cremation’, more technically known as alkaline hydrolysis which is advertised as safe and environmentally friendly.  Your body is placed in a chemical solvent, which is then heated and pressurized.  In 3 to 4 hours your body dissolves, leaving a fine white ash, boney remnants, and a soapy, smelly liquid (which is discarded).  Water cremation uses 1/7^th of the total energy of traditional cremation, but it is only legal in 8 states, Kansas being one of them.

My great grandparents are buried in Kansas City.  I recently visited the cemetery and found the headstones of Abraham (d. 1939) and Minnie (d. 1934) Boxer, my ancestors, my grandchildren’s great-great-great grandparents.  I was deeply moved, and now I’m also deeply ambivalent.  Burial or cremation? I’m back to undecided.

Perhaps burial wouldn’t be so bad.  I can keep costs down by using a simple pine coffin.  There is even an option to be buried in a burlap sack, so that my decomposing corpse can fertilize the plants above.  If it so happens that I’m buried under an apple tree, the grandkids can visit in the Fall, pick the fruit, and take a bite of grandpa. Or perhaps they’d prefer Granny Smith?

If I do decide to be buried, I’ll need to purchase a couple of cemetery plots soon.  I want to be a smart shopper, find two plots with a good view, on a hill with good drainage and good neighbors.  I want to rest eternally on firm, or extra firm soil.  I’m hoping I can buy two plots BOGO, or perhaps use my coupons from Bed, Bath, & (especially) Beyond.

Adolescent Identity

"In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.”   (Erik Erikson, 1902—1994)

 Psychologist Erik Erikson is best known for his 8 stages of psychosocial development.  The fifth stage, corresponding to the teen years ages 12 through 18, he called the stage of Identity vs. Confusion.

Influenced by Erikson, the DSM-III*, published in 1980, described a diagnosis called Identity Disorder, a diagnosis reserved primarily for adolescents.  The description of Identity Disorder said that individuals with this diagnosis were often mildly anxious and depressed, and typically asked the question, “Who am I?”  They were described as being distressed by uncertainty and confusion regarding any three or more of the following:

1.    long-term goals
2.    career choice
3.   friendship patterns
4.   sexual orientation and behavior
5.    religious identification
6.   moral value systems
7.    group loyalties

Ominously, the DSM-III description of Identity Disorder reported, “The disorder is apparently more common now than several decades ago. . .”  Nevertheless, when DSM-IV was published in 1994, Identity Disorder was down-graded from a ‘disorder’ to an ‘identity problem’, and by the time DSM-5 was published in 2018 Identity Disorder disappeared altogether from the diagnostic nomenclature.

The diagnosis has disappeared, but adolescent uncertainty and confusion has not. Today’s teenagers struggle more than ever with the question, “Who am I?”  While the focus, of late, has been on gender identity, “What am I?”, it is easy to overlook that the formation of personal identity is a much broader challenge. 

“Who am I?”  It is the task of adolescence to seek to answer that question as they proceed, more or less successfully, through multiple transitional tasks:

•       from being a minor to becoming a legal adult
•         from being asexual to becoming sexual 
•         from having friendships to developing intimacy
•         from being egocentric to having a relativistic viewpoint
•         from feeling invulnerable to acknowledging mortality
•         from thinking concretely to conceptualizing abstractly 
•         from being rule-driven to being conscience and principle-driven
•         from being dependent on others to becoming independent
•         from having external controls to accepting personal responsibility
•         from having fantasies to seeing real possibilities
•         from identifying with parents/peers to developing personal identity  

For many, adolescence is a time of great upheaval and turmoil.  But for many, if not most, the transitions of adolescence are navigated relatively smoothly.  Normally there may be some self-doubt, some insecurity, some moodiness, some experimentation with various alternative lifestyles.  Yet many are able to remain idealistic and goal directed as they begin to unravel the mystery of, “Who am I?”

I was fortunate. I look back and remember my children’s teen years as the most enjoyable and satisfying years of my parenting. I enjoyed attending their activities.  I enjoyed helping with their homework, as I often learned from their homework.  I enjoyed our wide-ranging and often philosophical discussions.  I enjoyed their youthful energy, their well-informed and challenging perspectives, and their emerging sense of autonomy as they began to answer for themselves the riddle of, “Who am I?”

 

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3^rd edition.

Under The Banner

“Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light and light for darkness . . .” (Isaiah 5:20)

You can’t argue with the Truth.  And it’s dangerous to argue with those who believe that they alone know the Truth.  You could end up dead.

Under the Banner of Heaven, written by Jon Krakauer and published in 2003, documents the double-murder of Brenda Lafferty and her toddler daughter, killed by in-laws, members of a fundamentalist Mormon sect. In his book, Krakauer painstakingly documents the origins of the Fundamentalist Latter-day Saints (FLDS) and their beliefs, beliefs that were used to justify the murders.

I recently watched the television adaptation of Under the Banner of Heaven, a seven-part series streaming on Hulu. The television series is not a documentary, but a dramatization that explores the murders through the eyes of a fictional detective, Jeb Pyre. Pyre is himself a devout Mormon, though not a member of the FLDS.  While investigating this horrible crime, Detective Pyre begins to unravel and confront the cultish beliefs that led up to the double-murder.  He, having grown up and lived in a culture that frowns upon asking too many questions, starts to question the foundation of his own beliefs.

The television adaptation is more than a story about murder.  It is an exploration into a psychology that is pervasive in our society, not specific to Mormonism, but present wherever there are fundamentalist and cultic groups.  Members of such groups seem to share a number of common beliefs and behaviors.  First and foremost, they believe that they and they alone know Truth.

·       They believe that what is not their Truth must therefore be false.

·       They believe that those who live with their Truth are righteous and those who deny their Truth are evil.

·       They believe that Truth is incompatible with ambiguity, it needs no explanation or interpretation.

·        They believe that Truth supersedes the laws and rules of secular society.

·        They believe that questioning Truth is a sign of hubris, arrogance, and ignorance.

·        They believe that followers of Truth will be rewarded and those who aren’t will be punished.

·        They believe in a hierarchy of authority, headed by wise, enlightened, and charismatic leadership.

·       They believe that their leaders are to be trusted and obeyed.

·       They believe that any ‘evidence’, contrary their Truth, is a deception planted by those attempting to destroy, and discredit; sometimes originating from the schemes, lies, and plots of evil people; sometimes originating from the devil himself.

It’s no wonder that so many fall under the spell of fundamentalism and cultism. Who doesn’t want to trust their leaders? Who doesn’t want to be freed from questions and doubt? Who doesn’t want the promise of great reward? Who doesn’t want to be on the side of Truth, opposing evil? 

Philosopher Isaiah Berlin warned, “It is a terrible and dangerous arrogance to believe that you alone are right . . .”  How many Beverly Lafferty’s have been murdered under the banner of Truth?