C.U.D.S.--A.

CIGARETTE USE DIAGNOSTIC SURVEY--for ADOLESCENTS (CUDS--A)

INSTRUCTIONS:  Check all appropriate boxes:

 

_____I do not smoke cigarettes.  (If you’ve checked this box, go no further.  You’re done.)

 

_____I smoke cigarettes because:

            _____I’m too dumb to believe that smoking is a health hazard.

_____I’m too narcissistic and grandiose to believe that smoking is a hazard to MY health.

_____I’m so depressed I don’t care if smoking is harmful to my health.

_____I’m so self-destructive that I’m counting on smoking being harmful to my health.

_____I’m so totally insecure I believe that if I don’t smoke nobody will like me.

_____I’m a passive, helpless victim of the cigarette advertising industry, hopelessly addicted to smoking.

_____I’m a self-deceiving liar who says, “Cigarettes taste good.”

_____I’m a total wreck, unable to cope with stress, who needs to smoke in order to calm my nerves.

_____I’m a mindlessly rebellious adolescent who smokes, as one way of many, to aggravate my parents and other authority figures, and to prove to them that I am really grown up and nobody can tell me what to do because I know best, and all adults are full of shit.

_____I’m a shallow, hedonistic, impulsive, and immature adolescent, who lives according to the belief, “if it feels good, do it now.”

_____Other creative rationalizations for smoking:

  

 

Upon completion of this survey, consult DSM-5 for your diagnosis.

 

(April Fools)