Money

 “There are only two things wrong with money:  too much or too little.”  (Charles Bukowski, 1920-1994)

Growing up, I had no allowance.  I was not paid for grades or chores.  Those were expected.  My parents were not wealthy, but money for expenses was generally available to me as long as requests were reasonable. I don’t remember my parents ever using money as a means to threaten, to punish, or to reward.

I was expected to work hard at school and get good grades, but as long as I was working hard at school, I was not expected to be earning money. I was expected to work during the summer, but how much I made was not an issue, so I was able to work at low-paying summer-camp jobs.

In my office conversations with parents, about their children and money, I usually heard more questions than I had answers.  Parents wanted to know. Should children have allowances?  If so, beginning at what age?  How much?  To be used for what expenses?  Should allowances be given automatically or should allowances be earned?  Should children be paid for doing household chores?  Should children be paid for getting good grades?  Should allowances be withheld for poor grades, not doing chores and breaking rules? At what age should children get jobs?  Should children work during the school year?  Should parents continue to provide financial support for children 18 and older?  If so, for how long and under what circumstances?

As psychiatrists often do, I typically responded to these questions by asking more questions.  How were the parents helping to prepare their child for the future and eventual emancipation? What did the parents want their child to know and understand about money?  I didn’t feel strongly, one way or another about allowances, but I did feel strongly that money should not be used coercively, to threaten or to punish.  When a teenager was doing poorly and not working hard in school, I would tell parents that it was time for their child to get a job and start earning some money.  Conversely, if a child was working hard in school, I encouraged parents to be as supportive as possible of their child’s education.

Now I come to the point in this blog where I get stuck.  I've already spent many hours writing and rewriting the ‘so what’ of this article.  I know this is an important topic. Money is undoubtedly a critical piece of well-being, yet the genre of parenting manuals offers little guidance. Children need to enter into the adult world prepared to earn and manage money.  But somehow, this seems to me to miss a more important point. Children also need to enter into the adult world with the right attitude towards money.

Money, too much or too little, can effect self-esteem.  Money, too much or too little, can bring out the worst in us, becoming the catalyst that fuels envy and greed. It is important to earn money, but how do we teach children that it is important not to obsess about money?  What is enough money and what is too much? How do we teach children to value money but not to worship money? How do we teach children to balance the necessity of earning, with generosity of giving?  How do we, as adults, model for our children what we try to teach?

So many questions. I'm still trying to figure it out.