Do-Overs

As a kid, I used to play baseball and touch-football in the park across from my house.  There was no adult supervision.  There were no referees.  Often there were close plays and disputed calls.  I don’t remember the disputes ever leading to fights.  It never got that serious.  We kept it fun and friendly.  We agreed to do-overs.

I used to golf.  If the course was not too busy and I made a bad shot, I took a mulligan, a do-over. My friends did the same. None of us were competitive golfers.  The do-overs gave us a chance to practice a few extra shots.  It gave us a chance to play the ball from the fairway instead of from the deep rough or two fairways over.  Do-overs made the game less frustrating.

I used to bowl.  Among my friends we had an understanding that, with a gutter ball, we got a do-over.  We could make a mistake and pretend it didn’t happen.  There was a little harmless self-deception going on as we calculated our final scores. Today, with electronic scoring, bowling is not so forgiving. Do-overs are no longer allowed.

When I was in public school, do-overs on tests were not allowed.  A do-over meant having to do the entire grade over. That kind of do-over was serious business, nothing to be desired (so I was told by those in-the-know).  When my children were in public school, they were occasionally allowed do-overs on assignments and exams.  As a parent I questioned that policy.

I used to play chess and other board games with my friends, no do-overs allowed.  However, when I played Connect-4 or other games with kids in the office, I not only allowed do-overs, I encouraged them.  The game was not a competition.  My job was teacher, coach, and therapist.  I wanted to teach kids to slow down, to look carefully at their options, and to learn from their mistakes.

I play poker.  There are no do-overs.

In life, there are limited opportunities for do-overs.  Career do-overs and marriage do-overs are sometimes possible but not easy and not always the best choice.  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should take a do-over.  A do-over doesn’t guarantee better outcome.  Usually, the lesson learned from a major life do-over is, “wherever I go, there I am.”

As for raising children, there are no do-overs.

With age, there are less chances for do-overs. Instead, there are more what-ifs. Psychologist Erik Erikson said that around age 65 we begin to assess our life, looking back with either a sense of satisfaction or with regret, feeling that life has been worthwhile and well-lived or viewing much of life as squandered and meaningless.  I have a few regrets, mostly trivial.  For the most part, I look back on my life with pride and satisfaction. I don’t need or want a do-over.