Golden Rules

It is possible to be a well-disciplined person and an otherwise despicable human being.  I recently wrote about the importance of raising self-disciplined children.  I failed to mention one thing.  It is important to raise self-disciplined children AND it is important to raise them with a moral compass.

As a psychiatrist and therapist, it was not my place to tell people how to believe, but it was well within my domain to ask them to articulate what they believed.  I often asked patients and parents to describe their family values, what for them was the measure of ‘good behavior’, and what values made them proud to be a member of their family.

I often asked children and adolescents to explore their values, their behaviors and their choices according to the feelings that follow.  “If you choose to do such-and-such, how will you feel the next day?”  I suggested to them that, when faced with important decisions, they use a ‘mirror-test’.  “Choose today in such a way that, when you look in the mirror tomorrow, you are proud of who you see.”

I often asked parents how they conveyed their beliefs and values to their children.  I asked parents to consider if their behaviors were consistent with their professed beliefs.  As my wife is fond of quoting, “if you don’t model what you teach, you’re teaching something else.”  I reminded parents that it is not enough to just correct children’s misbehavior.  Parents must provide children with the language for understanding moral choice and behavior.

For parents struggling to find the right words to say, I suggested The Golden Rule as a good starting point.  Whether secular in origin or God-given, The Golden Rule is a universal principle for moral discourse and behavior.  Some iteration of The Golden Rule is found in almost every culture and religion. 

Some iterations focus on moral intent. “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Leviticus 19:18). 

Some iterations focus on moral restraint. “Do not do unto others what you do not want done unto you.” (The Analects of Confucius).

Still other iterations focus on moral action. “As you would that men should do to you, do you also to them.” (Luke 6:31)

Intent, Restraint, Action . . .  I recommend that parents teach their children the I.R.A.’s of moral behavior.  It's a good investment.  Parents can expect to receive good dividends.